Why do family and friends interfere in our marriages in India

The question of why friends and family interfere so much in our marriages, in the Indian context, has been vexing me for some time.  

And I believe, I've finally cracked it!

The answer is simple.  It is because we invite them into our marriages. Let me explain.

Take a random Indian wedding invitation. Yes I am talking about both the printed variety as well as the ones that are nowadays ubiquitous on social media (mainly Facebook & Twitter).  Up front and centre the invitation reads:

“Smt. and Shri (or the more modern Mrs. and Mr) So and So, Cordially invite you with family and friends…… “

- Ahaa!  The first mistake!  You might as well invite the whole town. We are all one big family and where the bloodline breaks, we have so many friends! Of the social media (Facebook) variety!

But the problem does not stop there! The next words are in my opinion the root cause of the whole problem.  Continuing with our example:

 “Smt. and Shri (or the more modern Mrs. and Mr) So and So, Cordially invite you with family and friends to the marriage of their daughter (or son)  XYZ  with ABC  etc etc…… “ .

Note that I have highlighted the word ‘marriage’. Now that means the whole period from the time the young couple tie the knot till ‘Death doth do them apart’!  That’s what is commonly meant by the term marriage. e.g., “my marriage is successful”, “She is in her third marriage”, or that famous line from Princess Diana, “I often felt there were three of us in this marriage”.  So if you invite someone (and worse still with their family and friends) to the “marriage”, you have invited them for a long, long time.

Now I don’t believe in just diagnosing the problem and not giving a remedy. The first simple remedy is to put the names of the persons you are inviting on the top of the invite and cut out the ‘with family and friends’ part.

But this is not so effective until you follow the second corrective step. Replace the word ‘marriage’ with  ‘wedding’ or ‘wedding ceremony’. This way you are sure that you are inviting certain specified individuals (& not their whole brood consisting of extended family & friends) to a certain specified ceremony/function called– yes you guessed it – the ‘wedding’. This is the brief 2-3 hours that it takes for the bride and the groom to exchange vows, accept the gifts from invitees and for all to enjoy the good food, music and dance and then depart.

So if you want peace and quiet from interfering friends and relatives in any marriage, amend your invitation to read:  

“Smt. and Shri (or the more modern Mrs. and Mr) So and So, cordially invite you to the wedding ceremony of their daughter (or son)  XYZ  with ABC  etc etc…… “.

Problem solved!

Now, Earn that Bharat Ratna, Sachin!

Dear Sachin,

There has been considerable hoopla about your retirement from test cricket. Your fans and the media have been involved in a keen tussle to out-awe each other with their praises for you, their wailing about what will happen to Indian Cricket and all the talk about this being the end of an era!

I do not share any of their angst – after all an era is longer than 24 years! Nor do I share Shashi Tharoor’s worries about how India will cope without you wielding the willow in Test Cricket. I think India has bigger problems than your retirement.  There’s the poverty, the hunger, the illiteracy not to speak of the communal hatred being spread by self seeking politicians. But that should not bother you!

What should bother you is: “What now?”If I were you, I would sit down in front of a mirror and look myself in the eye and ask myself, what it means to be the nation’s 43^rd Bharat Ratna. Who are the other 42? What is/was their claim to fame?  For the most part they were either Freedom activists or self- seeking politicians (people who you co-awardee Dr Rao referred to as ‘idiots’)! There are of course some who excelled in the fields of Music/ Entertainment, the Sciences, Educationists, and even a couple of non-citizens (Khan Abdul Ghaffar Khan and Nelson Mandela).  I would then wonder, what it is that made the powers that be think that I deserved this award. Is it just a political stunt on the part of the ruling party to cash in on my popularity and keep my myriad fans happy just when the elections are around the corner? Or is there finally recognition of the image building value that 'Brand Sachin Tendulkar' brings to India? Whatever, the reasoning, I would probably conclude that it is what it is; I might as well bask in the glory. This could probably explain your magnanimous gesture in dedicating your award to all mothers in India. What does this ‘dedicating’ mean?  Will it mean that you will take up the causes of mothers, instead of the inane ad promotions for various material goods that you get paid so fabulously for?  Or maybe you will use some of the wealth that fame has bestowed you with, to set up hospitals in remote locations with only one mission:  “No more mothers dying during child-birth!” Or maybe it is just a cliché and I am digressing in delusion!

Anyway, back to the “What now?” question. How can you silence all those critics who think that awarding you the Bharat Ratna was misplaced?  Here are just a couple of humble suggestions to actually ‘earn’ that Bharat Ratna: 

1. You could set up a 'Sachin Tendulkar Foundation' that will spot talent and train deserving children in every Olympic sport, setting your administrators and coaches the goal of 20 Gold Medals in the 2020 (Tokyo). That is 7-years from now! And Tokyo has just started building the facilities. So if they can plan and deliver the Olympics in 7-years, I guess  you can plan and get to the target of producing seven Gold medal winning athletes. Money should not be a problem for you. And judging by the harsh life that most children in rural India live neither should physical grit, endurance and will-power.  What is needed is good coaching, motivation, proper equipment and the right nutrition! This way you can be the catalyst for spawning many more Bharat Ratnas from the field of sports!  When you are 70, would you prefer to be known for all your cricketing records (some of which might be bettered by then) or would you want to be known for your service to Indian sport in all its shapes and forms. 
2. You could use Brand Sachin for promoting India as a tourism destination.  God knows we have more natural beauty that any other place in the world. And we need that foreign exchange to save the Rupee.

 So go for it Sachin.  You described your cricketing life as between 24 years and 22 yards.  But come on, Sachin! Life is more than years and yards.  It is also about how many lives one has tangibly touched and improved.

Eagerly looking forward to your second innings,

Sincerely,

Jammi

Seven reasons to love living in Canada,

Seven reasons to love living in Canada, based on a just released OECD report:

·         Income: The average household earns US$28,194 each year after taxes. That’s more than US$5,000 above the OECD average. There is disparity at both ends of the earnings spectrum though, not surprisingly. The top 20% takes home US$55,718, while the bottom 20% earns US$10,526. We ranked seventh on household wealth and ninth on income.

·         Community: Canadians spend two minutes a day volunteering; that’s about half the OECD average. On the other hand, 64% said they’d helped a stranger in the last month. (The OECD average is 48%.) And 94% know someone they could count on if needed. We ranked seventh on support network.

·         Housing: Nine in 10 Canadians are satisfied with their housing. The average home in this country provides 2.6 rooms per occupant, more than any other country. And 99.8% of Canadians live in a home with a private washroom that has an indoor, flushing toilet. (The OECD average is 97.8%.) We ranked 24^th on the ratio of housing costs to income, eighth on basic facilities and first on number of rooms per person.

·         Environment: We’re better than average on both air pollution and water quality measures. We ranked 14^th on pollution and 12^th on water quality.

·         Health: Our life expectancy at birth is 81, a full year above the OECD average. And 88% of Canadians say they are in good health. Health spending in this country makes up 11.4% of gross domestic product. (The OECD average is 9.5% of gross domestic product.) We ranked third in health and 17^th in life expectancy.

·         Safety: Just 1.3% of Canadians said they were assaulted over the one-year period leading up to the survey. That’s well below the OECD average of 4%. Our homicide rate is less impressive. It’s 1.6%, only marginally below the average rate of 2.2%. We ranked first on assault rate and 23^rd on homicide rate.

·         Work-life balance: Canadians work an average 1,702 hours per year. That’s 74 hours below the OECD average. When asked if they work more than 50 hours a week, 4% said yes. (The OECD average is 9%.) We ranked ninth on working long hours.

The US FED just gave the junkies more Opium!

Imagine your son or favorite nephew (or any one you love a lot and are in charge of caring for) is hooked on drugs! Doctors have told you that if he continues with this habit, his end is near. There are two ways to cure him of his addiction. One is by taking away his stash of drugs -which will in the short run aggravate his condition and make him more violent and increase your task of caring for him. You may have to probably give up your day job to care for him. A painful process for both. The other way is to say, ”YOLO -You only live once!” and let him continue on his drug habit- in fact supplying him more, to ensure that he is apparently happy, while you can go about your daily business! What would you do?

Now, replace the addict with the “Markets” and yourself with the “US Federal Reserve”. Yesterday the FED decided to keep the taps flowing. What’s flowing out of the tap was once antibiotics for the market (QE). It has now become pure opium! And the markets are cheering that the taps will continue to flow! Come on you faceless Market! The US Fed just said that they are not sure of growth prospects for the world’s largest economy. In fact they trimmed the growth forecast. So what the hell are you cheering about?   

Another Gang Rape!

One more gang-rape – this time in Mumbai! It once again brought back memories of the horrific Delhi incident of December last year! The whole country – physically and in the social media- is going atwitter with laments of the state of affairs and calls for stricter punishment, some going to extremes to say we should introduce ‘Shariaa’ laws in India! But, stepping back from the immediacy of this case, it seems strange to me that all this outpouring of disgust and revulsion seems to be reserved for cases emanating from India’s Metros, where the victim is an educated and or upwardly mobile, hard working young woman. While deplorable, these are only two cases out of hundreds in the past 8-months. There have been umpteen cases, before and after the Delhi case. And these are happening all over the country. The people who are taking to the streets and the social media clearly identify with these victims as one of their own. And it is admirable that the spotlight that is cast on these cases, is causing the law enforcement agencies to up their act and be seen to be taking action. But what about those hundreds of rapes and gang-rapes – some where the victims are as young as 4-yrs old? Who is shedding a tear for them or pushing the administration to bring the culprits to justice?

That apart, are stricter laws (death penalty or ‘castration’ as the reference to Shariaa law seems to suggest) the solution? What about the efficacy with which the law enforcement machinery is able to bring a case to court, try the accused and prove them guilty beyond reasonable doubt and mete out the appropriate punishment? What eventually is a good deterrent? A strict law or stricter enforcement? We have the death penalty for murder –in extreme, ‘rarest of the rare’ cases! But has that meant that we have no murders? What is the conviction rate? What is the speed with which successful convictions happen? It’s been 8-months since the Delhi gang-rape. And the case is being tried in a ‘Fast Track court’. Under what definition is ‘8-months and counting’ Fast? Why is about 40% of the police force engaged in protecting VIPs? What if India were to have a full blown economic crisis like the one in Punjab, where the State Government is apparently unable to pay salaries of policemen among other government employees? These are disturbing questions for which I don’t have the answers.

I noticed that some of the comments on Facebook and other social media ask the question: “What makes men turn into such devils?” or “our culture is all about respect for women- they are symbolized by our mother or sisters Why then do some men treat women with such contempt and violate their inner persona”. These are definitely good questions for psychologists to attempt to answer. But I have a theory and it has to do with the way societal morals have changed over time. Our cinema, like all of show biz, now promotes promiscuity like never before! Senseless Item numbers like ‘Sheela Ki Jawaani” and “Munni Badnaam Hui” only glamorize the vamp. Most of us watch such movies for three hours, get back to our lives and think nothing more about it. But there must be a lumpen element out there who possibly are not able to distinguish between the make-believe world of cinema and the real world. These are the people who actually believe that Shah Rukh Khan / Rajnikant can single-handedly smash 20 sword wielding guys to pulp! For these people such item numbers only help to reinforce years of cultural power stereo type of male supremacy and convey the message:  “It is okay to look upon women as objects!”  From there it is a downhill slope – beginning with staring at women, passing lewd comments, grabbing various parts of the anatomy of women in crowded places and in some cases, rape.  I am not saying that cinema is the main factor in the ‘objectification’ of women. I use it as an example for one of the players along with other elements like the fashion world, the ad-world ( the way products for ‘fair skin’ are pushed) and also factors like illiteracy and unemployment.

Any comments are welcome.

Tussle between India's Politicos and Administrators!

My thoughts  on the spate of news items on politicians targeting ('punishing') IAS officers-junior as in UP (Ms Durga) as well as senior ones (Ms Sonali Kumar) as in J&K :

1. It is nothing new. Politicians have always wanted the babus to kow-tow to them;
Some have been nice and sweet about this expectation and mesmerized the bureaucrats into licking their boots (like JN) and some have done this in a crass manner (Laalu reportedly, in his hey days used to refer to the state Police head as "Darogaaji" and his chief secretary as "Badaa Babu"). Akhilesh in his brash young style is only the latest to join this club of arrogant politicians. Keeping the IAS officers on a leash without them realizing it or even penalizing them for angering the master, is an art. By the sheer fact that it has been in power for so long, the Congress has perfected this into a fine art. (which is why little is heard about the way the IAS officer one Mr Khemka, who took on 'Raabert' and his land deals!), The others are still learning this art and Ms Durga is only one of the victims of that learning process.

2. Apart from a handful of honest officers - and I don't know all the facts or other incidents in her life to say with 100% certainty that Ms Durga is one of this rare breed --the majority of civil servants are happy to be cozy with the politicos and live in an exclusive "Club of Mutual Back Scratchers!" ( This term CMBS :Copyright JRR-2013).

3. Taking a 20,000 foot view of the whole system, I look upon this as just one part of the food chain making a huge song and dance about what is essentially an aberratiion. The Civil Servants themselves are known to lord it over their lesser cousins and definitely ride rough over the masses of people in their care. I have been BM of an SBI Branch in a District HQ town (20 yrs ago) and know first-hand how exclusive these guys are. They pull no punches in pulling up people lower down the food chain for say not meeting soft loan targets. When professional bankers have found certain loans non-viable and refuse to make the loans in order to protect their depositors' interests, these ladies and gentlemen - probably misguided by fear or greed about their next promotion - arm twisted the bankers into making the loans as if it was their 'baap ka paisa'! As a common man, even getting into the SDM or DMs office is an achievement- leave alone getting one's grievance heard or attended to.

4. The media is as usual having a ball in the whole drama. When has the media run a sustained campaign backing the rare honest IAS officer? They cover whatever is topical and trending and as soon as the next not potato comes along they abandon any issue.

Disclaimer:  This is only a frustrated view of the dismal state of affairs! In no way am I suggesting that what happened to Ms Durga is right. I am only saying that it is part of a larger malaise in the system.  There are two reasons I did not join the IAS. Firstly I did not want to kow-tow to a 4th class pass minister. Secondly, I did not make the grade in the second stage of the Main Exam. Thank God for that! 

Model RIsk- Humor

In the financial world, Model Risk is a type of risk that occurs when a financial model used for any financial decision, does not perform as designed due to various reasons, the major one being the reality being a far cry from the underlying assumptions of the model. Model risk is a subset of operational risk, as it is usually a failure of either the systems or the people running the systems, might not completely understand its assumptions and limitations.

Increasing models are now being used in a wide variety of fields, other than finance.

The following anecdote is a classic case of Model Risk. In plain layman terms it exemplifies Blind leading Blind!

It was autumn, and the American Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" 
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. 
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. 
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?" 
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." 
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. 
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" 
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." 
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. 
The weatherman replied, "Well our weather prediction model considers a lot of factors, but over the years, due to back-testing and fine tuning we have given a 75% weight to the actions of the Indians, who know better than us. And this year although the other weather indicators are pointing to a very mild winter, the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"